Heart, Mind Dialogue

What if

If.
What if.
Working hard to prepare for the day "what if" happens.
Looking into my heart, I have found that I neglected to share the love she holds.
Just holding it.
Keeping it safe.
Clinging to it.  Because, what if.....

Working hard to prepare for the day "what if" happens.
Looking into my mind I found schedules, appointments, budgets and bills.
Working hard.
Making money for the day "what if" happens.
Just holding it.
Saving it.
Clinging to it. Because, what if....

"What are you waiting for?" she says.
"Well, what if..." is the reply.
"That's crazy" she says.  "The 'what if' already happened.  You got cancer, and you already got through it remember?"

Heart looks at mind as tears melt from her eyes, holds her close, hugs her tightly and says, "I love you."

"You got this," replies the mind.


A heart, mind dialogue in which I visualized my heart and mind sitting together on a bench on the top of a hill looking over Malibu Canyon towards the ocean. From this dialogue I realized that I hold on to things for fear that I won't be prepared if the cancer comes back.  I hold on to love because I don't want to be abandoned "if" I become sick.  I worked hard to earn my 3rd degree, now I work several jobs.  I save my money because I don't want to be broke and destitute "if" I am too sick to work "if" I get sick again.  While I am busy preparing for this imagined "what if," I am missing out on the precious gift of life I was blessed to have a second chance to enjoy.

For now, I am at peace with an open heart and open mind ready to receive whatever the universe has in store for me.  Because I have come to realize, once again, I have survived a time in life everyone fears, living with cancer.  And yet, I am still here.  I made it through that time with the little money I had, with the help of my son by my side, the support of friends and the love and prayers of my family, every step of the way.  I did it.  I know I could do it again.  I've been there.  Now I'm here.  The "what if" already happened.  I GOT this.

Healing HeArt Retreat with The Foundation for Living Beauty, a sisterhood of cancer survivors at the Serra Retreat Center in Malibu, California, April 2014.

The Benefits of Yoga in Cancer Recovery

Last month I was invited to attend The Serenity Yoga Retreat in Santa Barbara.  The event was sponsored by The Foundation for Living Beauty, an organization that provides free services to help women living with cancer and cancer survivors address the stresses that extend beyond their medical diagnosis. Although I had been practicing yoga for many years, I learned that regular practice brings awareness into the body and can build back the strength and muscle tone that was lost during cancer treatments.

For over two years after surgery, finishing chemo, radiation and being only halfway done with the hormone blockers; I lacked the motivation and strength to restart my yoga practice.  I knew I needed to do something, I had no muscle tone and couldn’t even support myself in the plank position.  What helped me was my discovery of mindfulness meditation.  Through meditation I was able to change my pattern of thinking, “It’s going to be too hard,” “It’s going to hurt,” “The hot flashes will kill me”... And I signed up for a community class.  Being able to get through that encouraged me to move on to classes at yoga studios which helped me improve my asanas and body alignment.  Being more in tune with my body and able to flow with the breath, I gained the confidence to start and maintain my own home practice which I do, every day.

The Yoga instructor, Tari Prinster from Yoga4Cancer at the Yoga retreat, taught us other ways to increase the flow in our lymphatic system.  I knew yoga improved blood flow and helped stretch and strengthen muscles, but I was amazed that it could help fight cancer too.  Many of us survivors worry about recurrence.  Finding natural ways to fight this improves our outlook.  With gentle stretches, along with being mindful of the breath as it moves through the body and opens the chest, it felt as if life was filling the body and pushing out the toxins that were trapped inside: chemo, radiation, medicine...  Simply allowing the energy to flow and say, “Breathing in I am strong, breathing out, I let go” created a new feeling of lightness.

So, if you are recovering from cancer and need to get your body and mind in balance as well as be strong in your “new normal,” try yoga.  Start with a meditation practice to gain insight and awareness of your own thought patterns that block you from moving forward.  Learning mindfulness can connect you to your body and senses helping you to be aware of each breath and movement, clearing out the stress and thought patterns that don’t serve a purpose in the present moment.  For a great and simple home practice DVD I use an old one:  Vinyasa Flow Yoga by Jennifer Tipton.  Better get it now, only 5 left from $19.95.

Check it out:

Click here to order from Amazon.com

A Matter of Taste

July 20, 2013

Ben and Jerry's peanut butter cup ice cream. It was all I could taste while I was on chemo. I couldn't drink tap or spring water; it had a metallic taste. I preferred purified water. I drank gallons of it and still couldn't quench my thirst or get that awful chemo taste out if my mouth. The ice cream cooled the sores in my mouth and throat and gave me the calories I needed, I suppose. 

When mom came to visit she made Sinigang full of spinach. She made Ox tail soup: the marrow was to help increase my blood count so I wouldn't end up in the hospital again. But after she left, it was always back to the ice cream. It was the easiest thing to get, and I didn't have the energy to make a meal. 

On this day I'm at yogurt land with my favorite girls. I put little peanut butter cups on top of my pistachio, coconut, mango and chocolate yogurt piles. I savored each flavor. I enjoyed the mixtures of sweet, tangy and chocolatey goodness. I crunch the peanut butter cups and make them blend with the other flavors already in my mouth. And I taste them all. Enjoying each spoonful and flavor as they make my senses come alive. In this moment, I am happy.

Today this exercise in mindfulness has reminded me of how important it is to enjoy the many flavors of life, and to remember to appreciate them. And Today,  I am grateful, I got my "taste" back.

Hair Today, Gone Yesterday

7-18-13

Brushing my hair. I love the way it feels when the bristles touch my scalp. Running my fingers through the strands, feeling like silk threads. I'm grateful for my hair. How it feels on the back of my neck and on my shoulders.

I remember how it felt to lose it. How cold my head was and how ugly I felt. I remember the tears and how I avoided the mirror. I couldn't touch it. My fingers were numb from the chemo. Each day I lost more and more until it was all gone. I tried ice packs and put on a cap to try to stop it. But lost it all. Who was that person? 

One night I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and scared myself: bald head, sunken eyes, dark circles. Was it a zombie? Was it an intruder? No...it was me. I cried and cried. I lost myself. Who is that person?

But today,  I have hair. Beautiful soft hair that still makes me cry when I brush it. But only because  I remember that girl that lost her hair. She was so sad. Now when i look close I can still see her; there she is, looking right back at me. She is in my eyes. But now she's not afraid. Because she is me, now. 

Today, I am grateful for my hair.

The Pianist: Music, Mindfulness and Compassion

A Lesson in Mindfulness:  Music and Compassion

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQk3Zh71dGA

In this scene in “The Pianist”, a German soldier finds Szpilman hiding in an abandoned house. In the far distance the sound of gunfire can be heard.  He asks him what he is doing there and what he does as an occupation.  When he finds out that he is a pianist, he brings him to a room with a piano, and orders him to play.  When he starts to play, the soldier is so overcome by the music, he has to sit.  He then watches in silent awe as he listens to the pianist playing Chopin.

This is my favorite part of the movie and it fills me with so much emotion.  I believe that music connects all of us.  It is a part of the life force we all share.  In that moment, there was no war.  The soldier was connected with the man behind the piano, and they were both sharing the present moment, which was all about the music; a peaceful, beautiful ballad by Chopin.  For that moment, that soldier was a part of something that was bigger than himself, more important than the war that was just right outside; something that reached down deep beneath his ego and awakened his spirit.  He was in the present moment, where nothing else was of any concern, and it had changed him. He became compassionate.  Amidst the chaos, he recognized beauty and compassion.

Mindfulness is a practice that can stop old patterns of thinking or judging situations or people.  It allows for a gap in thinking, in which thoughts are observed, but are not labeled.  It creates a space where time doesn’t matter and only what is happening in the present moment; within the body is all there is.  We all do this in the presence of beauty.  A sunset, a rainbow, clouds and the sound of beautiful music.  It awakens compassion and gratitude.  Instead of dwelling on the chaos that life situations create; or ruminating on the tragedies of the past or hopelessness of the future.  We should all take a moment to “be” in the moment.  Don’t think, don’t wonder, or plan or make judgements.  Listen to the music of life.  Life is nature, life is silence, life is the breath inside you.  Stop and listen.  Just “be.” 

No matter what challenges you are facing on your cancer journey, or whatever worries you may have about what may lie ahead, this is where you are right now.  This moment.  It is the only moment you can ever truly be in.  You’re not in the past where you were diagnosed and went through the treatments and side effects.  You’re not in the future where you envision yourself as being different than you are right now.  You are here.  And this is the only moment that really matters.  Don’t waste it in the delusion of time thinking.  Stop.  Breathe.  Practice gratitude, you are here, now. 

I am NOT my cancer.  Just BE.

Another Year Around the Sun

Today is my 48th birthday.  I had to keep doing the math because I sure don’t feel like I’m that old.  When I look back at my life all I can remember doing was being a wife and a mom.  Right after high school I got married and started my family.  I didn’t have a career until after my kids were grown and I was separated after 14 years of marriage. All knew how to be was a mother.

Well, 2 years ago (2 years after my cancer diagnosis) my adult son moved out on his own.  He had finished college, had an excellent job and it was time for him to leave the nest.  To me, it was too early.  I had just finished my cancer treatments and was starting to feel more like myself; But still...it was too early, for me.  He was the baby, the last one at home.  I was single.  Who was I going to take of?  Who was going to take care of me?  If all I knew how to be was a mom, then what was I going to do with him gone?  I couldn’t hold him back, I knew I was in for a tough time.  I had to let him go, because it was the right thing to do.  Now all that I had left, was myself.  What did I like to do before I was a mom?  Well, that would be impossible to revisit since it definitely was more than 26 years!  So then the question had to be:  What do I want to do with my life...now?

When we face transition challenges, we struggle to find aspects of what we used to enjoy or how we used to be because it is our anchor.  It reminds us that even though this big change is happening, I’m still the same person on the inside.  So we begin by shedding the layers of who we’re not, and reach deeper into ourselves to find the person we were before (before being a mom, before having cancer) and because it’s familiar, that’s what we strive to become (again). It serves as a comfort for a person facing a transition in life.  When there is a change and the outcome is unknown, it can produce tremendous anxiety.  Some stay trapped, because if it’s all you knew how to be, what else is there?  What’s left of you when the kids are gone, or when the cancer is gone?  Well, it’s you that’s left.  Everything you had become was a result of growth.  Now, is just another time to grow.

Today I'm 48 and 4 years Cancer Free

Well, today’s my birthday, and I’m still cancer free and I still have an empty nest.  It’s been a series of adjustments, but I’m moving forward, learning and growing every day.  Someday’s are tougher, someday’s are bliss.  The way I look at it, as each day goes by, the farther I get away from the past.  The past is what I was, I am not that person anymore.  Everything changes, it’s inevitable.  Nothing ever stays the same, it’s just not possible.  Just move on, don’t look back, you’re not going that way.

A New Normal

A New Normal

It’s been 4 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I was a single mother at the time, struggling with bills and supporting my son as he started college.  I was working three jobs and dealing with some other family issues.  It wasn’t the right time for me to get cancer.  But then again, there’s never a good time to get cancer.

After my surgery, chemo, radiation, I was placed on Tamoxifen every day and Zoladex injections every 3 months.  I lost my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes and my self-esteem was at its lowest.  I had a negative self-image; I battled insomnia, bone pain and depression for years following my diagnosis and treatments.  Looking back I can remember those challenges, the memory of that time is with me every day.  Once you get cancer, you never stop thinking about it.  It has become a driving force in my recovery and my transition into a new normal.

When I finished chemo and radiation, I was excited to get back to my old life. Well, what I considered normal, at the time.  But the truth is, you can’t.  What was  “normal” before, no longer exists.  It’s locked away in the past, along with the cancer. All the things you use to do before cancer shut you down, is gone.  You have to make better choices now and find a way to experience the life you have, at this very moment; and not reach back to try and start where you left off.  This is a new time for you.  One where you will learn more about yourself than you ever knew existed.  Because now you know how it felt to lose yourself and become a prisoner to the cancer.  You will soon learn to value your second chance at life.  Though you may feel like the same person on the inside.  You are not. You have to accept that in order to find the “you” you are, now, after the cancer. This is called, the new normal.

The new normal is what you decide it to be.  Starting to eat healthier, take vitamins, exercise and practice gratitude are some ways to begin your transition.  Your body has been poisoned, your muscles have begun to atrophy; it’s up to you to take back control of your own body.  Remember it takes 28 days for something to become a habit.  Why not make it one that will  improve your mind, body and soul?  Work on yourself from the inside out.  If you truly want to take your life back and start enjoying your second chance, you have to start with your body and mind. Remember, you are not the same person.  You are a new person.  Believe that, and you are ready to join me on my journey to find the new normal.

November 9, 2008: Bottom of the Well

Bottom of the Well


It's dark and damp
I'm sitting at the very bottom covered in mud
and wet with tears
My voice is weak
my hands shake
I reach up to grab the wall
I can't see
I can't feel
walls are slick there is nothing to grab
I cry...help
weak, soft but with determination...HELP
Nothing
sounds hollow
I sob, I cry out...HELP
No one hears, no one knows I'm here
No one knows I'm here
but I'm here
Why won't someone look for me and pull me out of here?
I can't do it alone....help
I can't, I can't
I cry, I'm alone
No one hears me
Please....please someone look for me
I don't want to die at the bottom of this well
alone
No one knows I'm here
I'm here

Thanksgiving 2008

Feeling Thankful and blessed.  I'm here.  I'm burned, I'm in pain.....but I'm here to enjoy my family and friends for another Thanksgiving!

November 2, 2008: What Do I do Now?

So....what now?

I finished chemo.  Yay!  Now I'm two weeks into radiation with only 4 weeks to go and......then what?

Right now I travel 45 minutes away every day for about 5 minutes of radiation. (That's every day- 5 days a week for six weeks total!)   It makes me tired, but not like chemo tired.  Chemo knocked my ass out.  Rads makes me feel sleepy tired and lazy, that I can deal with.  Still have to deal with the frequent bone pain, hot flashes, dizziness and nausea.  But what can I do?  Somedays I can barely make it out of bed.  Missed a lot of work.  Hope I won't get fired!

Friend on the Rad Squad

Radiation Room

For the past 5 months I've been scheduling my life around the cancer. I put my life on hold because I wasn't well enough to do the things I usually did.  It changed everything I was used to.  I can't work my three jobs and I miss all my friends so much!

Cancer changed the way I felt about life.  It took away the parts of me that made me feel feminine.  My long hair is gone, part of my breast.....and my perception of myself has changed too.  When I look at myself I can see the toll this illness has taken on my poor little body.  Then I think....fuck you cancer!  Look what you did!  Now I gotta get myself back, take it back from that hell.

Rad Squad Buddy

When I'm done with this shit I'll know it took me 6 months to fight it.  Six months of my life that I can never get back!  Six months!!!  My life will never be the same.  But....one thing's for sure, I'll be alive to enjoy what life has in store for me next.  I feel like since I beat this I might be kinda invincible....you know like how the guys in the elevator felt after taking a potion? (Big Trouble in Little China)

Well, whatever....I still got a ways to go.  But the weird thing about it is when this is over, when there are no treatments to go to, no appointments......what do I do?  Actually, I probably mean....what do I do first?  When every hour of my life for the past 6 months was about cancer and the treatments and the suffering...

What do I do first?

September 29, 2008: Last Round

Last Chemo Round!

Current mood:fermented

That last round of chemo laid me out.  Seriously I was in sooo much pain, my hips, my back, my legs....I had to roll out of bed, fall to the ground and frickin crawl to the bathroom!  No shit, that is the truth.  I got sick and threw up that very night and every night after.  I even threw up the pills that were supposed to keep me from throwing up!  I couldn't take my pain pills because they were upsetting my tummy and making me....throw up!  What a mess.  

Then I got a rash from the top of my bald ass coconut filipino head down to the soles of my monkey feet....owwy, itchy!  Bitch ass chemo!  It took me 2 weeks to rebound.

I started feeling better after Bob Marley visited me in a dream...or was it?  Anyways, I wasn't nauseous when I woke up so I was able to take my pills and get out of bed.... then the Chargers beat the Jets...and I felt like getting out of bed and going to work.  

I even got the energy to celebrate my friend Gary's birthday.  

Funny....everyone always say that it's too quiet when I'm not around.  Hmmm....interesting.  Well I didn't drink of course, I really didn't feel like it.  It was funny watching JR, he makes me laugh when he drinks.  They all do.  Hey wait...what?  

Anyways....now that I'm feeling better, I gotta get all pyched up to do this shit all over again.  The difference is.....this chemo cocktail...will be my last!

How do I feel....scared, nervous, hesitant....because I know it's gonna hurt like hell. I know I'm gonna get sick...I know my bones will hurt.  


 Each treatment seemed to get progressively worse and took me longer to recouperate so I'm anticipating this one's gonna be like the grand finale on the fourth of July.  


I can't even say tomorrow's the last day cuz I still gotta go in for the three consecutive days of shots in my tummy til it's all over......oh....dread...I'm eriously shaking right now thinking about it.   Whatever, I'm tough right.  Can tough girls cry though?  Cuz  I sooo want to be tough, but finding it hard to right now.

September 20, 2008: Not a Champ

Not A Champ


I'm  not as strong as I thought.  It's hard for me to sleep because of the bone pain, hot flashes and the nausea in the morning.  I'm missing work.  I can't eat.  I can't move.  The new girl at work is annoying and makes me dizzy with all her talking and I can't focus.


Please make this stop.  I'm tired.

September 10, 2008: New Wig

Back to Work with a Smile

My cousin Grace told me that she was able to go to work the whole time she was on chemo.  I'm a single mom, my son is in college and I really didn't have a choice but to try to work through all of this.  I was working as a bartender on the weekends.  Everyone was very helpful and whenever I needed a break, there was always someone there to help.  But now school is starting and I needed to be there for the kids every day.

First of all, the PTA helped me buy an awesome wig.  I couldn't believe how expensive they were!  Mine cost $170.00!  It was the best!  No one at work really noticed.  They called it my new "sassy" hairstyle.  I'm going to do this.  I'll put on my smile and make this happen.  No one will even know!!

August 14, 2008: Is This Going to Work?

Cancer Sucks

Current mood:scared

My next chemo is on Monday and I'm nervous about it.  I went through so much with this first treatment, being in the hospital...quarantined and isolated from my friends and family, I just don't know how I'll do this time around.  I've already lost my appetite (and10 lbs), almost all of my hair, and most nights I can't even sleep........this is really hard. 

I think the worse part is that most of the time I feel fine, then the fatigue hits me and I have to stop and rest.  Just imagine checking the mail or even doing the dishes and all of a sudden you get dizzy and have to sit down and catch your breath.  Imagine not being able to stay awake or get out of bed.  It's so unpredictable.

I'm really not looking forward to getting that needle stuck in my arm and sitting there for 4 hours or whatever feeling the burn in my veins to my brain.  What if I get sick again and end up in the hospital?  I'm really scared this time. 

Anyways....I'm also wondering if this is going to work.  What if I go through all this and the cancer comes back?  I'm putting my body through so much ....is all this worth it?   Cancer sucks..

August 10, 2008: Emergency Room

Just Out of the Hospital

Well, now I know why I was so fricken hot all those days....I was 101 degrees of pure hotness for real!  I had a fever and ended going to the ER.  Wow what an experience!

When I got there they took me right away.  My temp was 101.8 and they took blood tests stat.  I was very weak and shaking uncontrollably with the chills.  The fuckers wouldn't give me a blanket because they wanted the temp reading to be accurate.  When the tests came back and they were sure I had a fever, they let me warm up and put me on an IV.

3 times a day in the stomach

My white blood cell count was barely 1,000.  Normal WBC is 4,000-10,000.  What?  I was fine wasn't I?  I've been staying home, being a good girl.  Well, I did lose my appetite and wasn't eating right.  I was also running around doing errands....I just felt hot.  If I didn't get dizzy I wouldn't have gone to the ER.  Thank God I did.

I was admitted to the hospital that day and got a lovely, private, lakeview room.  It was private cuz I was put in isolation.  I was real vulnerable to infections and such so I had to be put in solitary to protect myself.  Everyone who came in had to be sterile and covered up.  It was very clean, even the air was pure.

Smiling cuz I have to

The first night was hell; fighting the chills, bone pain, the uncertainty of whether I was gonna live or die.  I felt like my soul was falling away from me.  I cried a lot.  I had to have injections in my stomach along with continuous antibiotics by IV.  My temp would keep spiking, the highest was 102.  Every night at 3am I would have my blood drawn.  Freaked me out every time!  Somehow, when I fell asleep, I always forgot I was in the hospital.  Then I'd wake up and remember.....oh yeah, I'm in hell.  But wait...it gets worse.

On my 3rd day in the hospital (Day 11 after my first chemo) I started to lose my hair.  Little strands started coming out when I ran my fingers through my hair.  Then on day 12, I was losing handfuls!  Nothing worse than losing your hair and not being able to get out of bed.  

Thank God I was released that day.  There was hair everywhere!!!!  Yikes.   And I still had a lot of hair left on my head.

I got home and cut it off!  I didn't do too bad.  I wasn't ready to go bald yet...don't think I would do it on purpose.  And yesss...I took a picture.  Who wants to see it?

Besides all that...whatever, it'll grow back.  I'm home now, in quarantine for a couple days, but feelin A-OK.  I'm alive.....and ready for my next chemo...on the 18th.  Or am I?   Dam......which wall should I climb first?