November 4, 2008: He Won't Even Look At Me

He won’t even look at me......

Current mood:sad

My mom and dad were with me in June when I had the consultation with my surgeon.  Being in the medical field, it was comforting to have them there asking the questions I wouldn't have thought of.  Although most of my dad's questions were about quadrants and other medicalese fancy-talk, he did impress my doctor.  She had to look through the file to answer most of his questions.  Then he asked about my other breast.  My doctor explained that since the mammo was ok, no other tests were ordered.  My dad ordered them.

I went to have an ultrasound where they found two more questionable masses.  I had two more biopsies and had to wait for the results.  My surgery was scheduled for that Tuesday and I didn't want to have to do it, only to find out I had to go back and have surgery on the other breast. I seriously wanted to postpone it til I got the results.  Well, luckily the tests came back negative and surgery went on as planned.

My dad is a dedicated doctor and a very hard worker.  I understood when he wasn't able to be there for my surgery.  My mom and kids were along with Gary, Susan and Darci, that's what mattered. I was not alone.  I understood when he was too busy to talk to me on the phone about my treatment options.  I understood why he couldn't call me when I was in the hospital because he was tired from working all day and playing with the baby.  But I don't understand why he won't look at me.....

The last time I stayed with my parents down south, I noticed how uncomfortable it was for my dad to look at me.  When I hugged him he did the "pat on the back" thing.  When I came down for breakfast I sat at the table and he got up and put his dish in the sink, claiming he was done.  When I went in the living room to watch the Charger game with him, he went upstairs.  When I went upstairs to sit with him, he went downstairs to the kitchen.  Why?

Today I called to tell him I was going to visit soon and he quickly handed the phone to my mom.  I asked my mom if I was ugly, because dad won't look at me, she just said...."You know how he is...." 

I don't know what to do.  He won't even look at me........

September 29, 2008: Last Round

Last Chemo Round!

Current mood:fermented

That last round of chemo laid me out.  Seriously I was in sooo much pain, my hips, my back, my legs....I had to roll out of bed, fall to the ground and frickin crawl to the bathroom!  No shit, that is the truth.  I got sick and threw up that very night and every night after.  I even threw up the pills that were supposed to keep me from throwing up!  I couldn't take my pain pills because they were upsetting my tummy and making me....throw up!  What a mess.  

Then I got a rash from the top of my bald ass coconut filipino head down to the soles of my monkey feet....owwy, itchy!  Bitch ass chemo!  It took me 2 weeks to rebound.

I started feeling better after Bob Marley visited me in a dream...or was it?  Anyways, I wasn't nauseous when I woke up so I was able to take my pills and get out of bed.... then the Chargers beat the Jets...and I felt like getting out of bed and going to work.  

I even got the energy to celebrate my friend Gary's birthday.  

Funny....everyone always say that it's too quiet when I'm not around.  Hmmm....interesting.  Well I didn't drink of course, I really didn't feel like it.  It was funny watching JR, he makes me laugh when he drinks.  They all do.  Hey wait...what?  

Anyways....now that I'm feeling better, I gotta get all pyched up to do this shit all over again.  The difference is.....this chemo cocktail...will be my last!

How do I feel....scared, nervous, hesitant....because I know it's gonna hurt like hell. I know I'm gonna get sick...I know my bones will hurt.  


 Each treatment seemed to get progressively worse and took me longer to recouperate so I'm anticipating this one's gonna be like the grand finale on the fourth of July.  


I can't even say tomorrow's the last day cuz I still gotta go in for the three consecutive days of shots in my tummy til it's all over......oh....dread...I'm eriously shaking right now thinking about it.   Whatever, I'm tough right.  Can tough girls cry though?  Cuz  I sooo want to be tough, but finding it hard to right now.

September 7, 2008: Second Round of Chemo

I hate you cancer

Current mood:depressed

The last round of chemo kicked my ass.  And it was only my second one!  Damn.  I thought I was a warrior.  I thought I was gonna stand up to this thing, put up my dukes and beat the shit out of it.  Ha!  Guess I'm not as tough as I thought.

First of all, I had to go back to the doctor the day after chemo and for two days after that, to get shots to boost my white blood cells.  So, that along with the chemo, took it's toll on this little body of mine.  The doctor keeps checking my kidneys and is concerned about the creatinine level being so high.  I keep getting bone pains, rashes, insomnia, fatigue, dizzy spells, loss of appetite, my nails are turning purple......oh yeah...loss of my beautiful hair....waaahh... Damn you!  I hate you cancer!

I just want to feel normal again.  I want to feel strong.  But now I worry what's gonna happen next?  My next round is tomorrow!!!!  And I just started feeling better yesterday!  Damn.  I know this is the hard part and I'm gonna be a survivor, but.....this is really hard. Now I got to look forward to 5 hours of poison in my veins..... I would never, ever want any of my friends or family to have to experience this chemo shit.  It's really, really hard.  I'm so gonna do massive shots when I'm done with this drama.

I hate you cancer!  You suck!