Hair Today, Gone Yesterday

7-18-13

Brushing my hair. I love the way it feels when the bristles touch my scalp. Running my fingers through the strands, feeling like silk threads. I'm grateful for my hair. How it feels on the back of my neck and on my shoulders.

I remember how it felt to lose it. How cold my head was and how ugly I felt. I remember the tears and how I avoided the mirror. I couldn't touch it. My fingers were numb from the chemo. Each day I lost more and more until it was all gone. I tried ice packs and put on a cap to try to stop it. But lost it all. Who was that person? 

One night I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and scared myself: bald head, sunken eyes, dark circles. Was it a zombie? Was it an intruder? No...it was me. I cried and cried. I lost myself. Who is that person?

But today,  I have hair. Beautiful soft hair that still makes me cry when I brush it. But only because  I remember that girl that lost her hair. She was so sad. Now when i look close I can still see her; there she is, looking right back at me. She is in my eyes. But now she's not afraid. Because she is me, now. 

Today, I am grateful for my hair.

November 4, 2008: He Won't Even Look At Me

He won’t even look at me......

Current mood:sad

My mom and dad were with me in June when I had the consultation with my surgeon.  Being in the medical field, it was comforting to have them there asking the questions I wouldn't have thought of.  Although most of my dad's questions were about quadrants and other medicalese fancy-talk, he did impress my doctor.  She had to look through the file to answer most of his questions.  Then he asked about my other breast.  My doctor explained that since the mammo was ok, no other tests were ordered.  My dad ordered them.

I went to have an ultrasound where they found two more questionable masses.  I had two more biopsies and had to wait for the results.  My surgery was scheduled for that Tuesday and I didn't want to have to do it, only to find out I had to go back and have surgery on the other breast. I seriously wanted to postpone it til I got the results.  Well, luckily the tests came back negative and surgery went on as planned.

My dad is a dedicated doctor and a very hard worker.  I understood when he wasn't able to be there for my surgery.  My mom and kids were along with Gary, Susan and Darci, that's what mattered. I was not alone.  I understood when he was too busy to talk to me on the phone about my treatment options.  I understood why he couldn't call me when I was in the hospital because he was tired from working all day and playing with the baby.  But I don't understand why he won't look at me.....

The last time I stayed with my parents down south, I noticed how uncomfortable it was for my dad to look at me.  When I hugged him he did the "pat on the back" thing.  When I came down for breakfast I sat at the table and he got up and put his dish in the sink, claiming he was done.  When I went in the living room to watch the Charger game with him, he went upstairs.  When I went upstairs to sit with him, he went downstairs to the kitchen.  Why?

Today I called to tell him I was going to visit soon and he quickly handed the phone to my mom.  I asked my mom if I was ugly, because dad won't look at me, she just said...."You know how he is...." 

I don't know what to do.  He won't even look at me........

July 23, 2008: Sometimes I'm Not Ok

Sometimes I’m Not Ok

Sometimes I'm Not Ok

Sooner or later it all comes spilling out
Can't hold in the fears....
push down the tears..... stuff my soul with everything I need to hide away.....away
Stand tall
Breathe deep
Push it down
Smile
Show how strong I am....
I am for my family.....
for my friends.....
for my students.....for hope
I am strong but then, it gets to the point
It's quiet...
no ones watching, no one can hear me it hits me....
it's a heavy burden to bear
It breaks
It spills
let go the fears .. .let out the tears.. .free my soul... let it go
Sometimes I'm not okay.....I'm not okay, I'm not okay

Chemo starts Monday