Heart, Mind Dialogue

What if

If.
What if.
Working hard to prepare for the day "what if" happens.
Looking into my heart, I have found that I neglected to share the love she holds.
Just holding it.
Keeping it safe.
Clinging to it.  Because, what if.....

Working hard to prepare for the day "what if" happens.
Looking into my mind I found schedules, appointments, budgets and bills.
Working hard.
Making money for the day "what if" happens.
Just holding it.
Saving it.
Clinging to it. Because, what if....

"What are you waiting for?" she says.
"Well, what if..." is the reply.
"That's crazy" she says.  "The 'what if' already happened.  You got cancer, and you already got through it remember?"

Heart looks at mind as tears melt from her eyes, holds her close, hugs her tightly and says, "I love you."

"You got this," replies the mind.


A heart, mind dialogue in which I visualized my heart and mind sitting together on a bench on the top of a hill looking over Malibu Canyon towards the ocean. From this dialogue I realized that I hold on to things for fear that I won't be prepared if the cancer comes back.  I hold on to love because I don't want to be abandoned "if" I become sick.  I worked hard to earn my 3rd degree, now I work several jobs.  I save my money because I don't want to be broke and destitute "if" I am too sick to work "if" I get sick again.  While I am busy preparing for this imagined "what if," I am missing out on the precious gift of life I was blessed to have a second chance to enjoy.

For now, I am at peace with an open heart and open mind ready to receive whatever the universe has in store for me.  Because I have come to realize, once again, I have survived a time in life everyone fears, living with cancer.  And yet, I am still here.  I made it through that time with the little money I had, with the help of my son by my side, the support of friends and the love and prayers of my family, every step of the way.  I did it.  I know I could do it again.  I've been there.  Now I'm here.  The "what if" already happened.  I GOT this.

Healing HeArt Retreat with The Foundation for Living Beauty, a sisterhood of cancer survivors at the Serra Retreat Center in Malibu, California, April 2014.

Hair Today, Gone Yesterday

7-18-13

Brushing my hair. I love the way it feels when the bristles touch my scalp. Running my fingers through the strands, feeling like silk threads. I'm grateful for my hair. How it feels on the back of my neck and on my shoulders.

I remember how it felt to lose it. How cold my head was and how ugly I felt. I remember the tears and how I avoided the mirror. I couldn't touch it. My fingers were numb from the chemo. Each day I lost more and more until it was all gone. I tried ice packs and put on a cap to try to stop it. But lost it all. Who was that person? 

One night I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and scared myself: bald head, sunken eyes, dark circles. Was it a zombie? Was it an intruder? No...it was me. I cried and cried. I lost myself. Who is that person?

But today,  I have hair. Beautiful soft hair that still makes me cry when I brush it. But only because  I remember that girl that lost her hair. She was so sad. Now when i look close I can still see her; there she is, looking right back at me. She is in my eyes. But now she's not afraid. Because she is me, now. 

Today, I am grateful for my hair.

November 9, 2008: Bottom of the Well

Bottom of the Well


It's dark and damp
I'm sitting at the very bottom covered in mud
and wet with tears
My voice is weak
my hands shake
I reach up to grab the wall
I can't see
I can't feel
walls are slick there is nothing to grab
I cry...help
weak, soft but with determination...HELP
Nothing
sounds hollow
I sob, I cry out...HELP
No one hears, no one knows I'm here
No one knows I'm here
but I'm here
Why won't someone look for me and pull me out of here?
I can't do it alone....help
I can't, I can't
I cry, I'm alone
No one hears me
Please....please someone look for me
I don't want to die at the bottom of this well
alone
No one knows I'm here
I'm here

July 27, 2008: It All Starts Tomorrow

It All Starts Tomorrow

Well tomorrow I start chemo. I haven't really been able to sleep, I'm so obsessed with getting this all over with. Lately, I've started wondering if I was making the right choice. There are severe and sometimes permanent side effects. One of them was permanent nerve damage. Another was blindness and organ damage (liver, heart , kidneys..)..so, I obsess about these things too.

Everything has happened so fast. Every time I start to feel afraid, I try to remember how much I want to live. How much I want to beat this thing and live my life. There so much I want to do...I really need to be strong and just do this. But I am afraid. What if it doesn't work? I guess there are times when a person just has to take a leap of faith, right? it all starts tomorrow.

July 23, 2008: Sometimes I'm Not Ok

Sometimes I’m Not Ok

Sometimes I'm Not Ok

Sooner or later it all comes spilling out
Can't hold in the fears....
push down the tears..... stuff my soul with everything I need to hide away.....away
Stand tall
Breathe deep
Push it down
Smile
Show how strong I am....
I am for my family.....
for my friends.....
for my students.....for hope
I am strong but then, it gets to the point
It's quiet...
no ones watching, no one can hear me it hits me....
it's a heavy burden to bear
It breaks
It spills
let go the fears .. .let out the tears.. .free my soul... let it go
Sometimes I'm not okay.....I'm not okay, I'm not okay

Chemo starts Monday