Heart, Mind Dialogue

What if

If.
What if.
Working hard to prepare for the day "what if" happens.
Looking into my heart, I have found that I neglected to share the love she holds.
Just holding it.
Keeping it safe.
Clinging to it.  Because, what if.....

Working hard to prepare for the day "what if" happens.
Looking into my mind I found schedules, appointments, budgets and bills.
Working hard.
Making money for the day "what if" happens.
Just holding it.
Saving it.
Clinging to it. Because, what if....

"What are you waiting for?" she says.
"Well, what if..." is the reply.
"That's crazy" she says.  "The 'what if' already happened.  You got cancer, and you already got through it remember?"

Heart looks at mind as tears melt from her eyes, holds her close, hugs her tightly and says, "I love you."

"You got this," replies the mind.


A heart, mind dialogue in which I visualized my heart and mind sitting together on a bench on the top of a hill looking over Malibu Canyon towards the ocean. From this dialogue I realized that I hold on to things for fear that I won't be prepared if the cancer comes back.  I hold on to love because I don't want to be abandoned "if" I become sick.  I worked hard to earn my 3rd degree, now I work several jobs.  I save my money because I don't want to be broke and destitute "if" I am too sick to work "if" I get sick again.  While I am busy preparing for this imagined "what if," I am missing out on the precious gift of life I was blessed to have a second chance to enjoy.

For now, I am at peace with an open heart and open mind ready to receive whatever the universe has in store for me.  Because I have come to realize, once again, I have survived a time in life everyone fears, living with cancer.  And yet, I am still here.  I made it through that time with the little money I had, with the help of my son by my side, the support of friends and the love and prayers of my family, every step of the way.  I did it.  I know I could do it again.  I've been there.  Now I'm here.  The "what if" already happened.  I GOT this.

Healing HeArt Retreat with The Foundation for Living Beauty, a sisterhood of cancer survivors at the Serra Retreat Center in Malibu, California, April 2014.

A Matter of Taste

July 20, 2013

Ben and Jerry's peanut butter cup ice cream. It was all I could taste while I was on chemo. I couldn't drink tap or spring water; it had a metallic taste. I preferred purified water. I drank gallons of it and still couldn't quench my thirst or get that awful chemo taste out if my mouth. The ice cream cooled the sores in my mouth and throat and gave me the calories I needed, I suppose. 

When mom came to visit she made Sinigang full of spinach. She made Ox tail soup: the marrow was to help increase my blood count so I wouldn't end up in the hospital again. But after she left, it was always back to the ice cream. It was the easiest thing to get, and I didn't have the energy to make a meal. 

On this day I'm at yogurt land with my favorite girls. I put little peanut butter cups on top of my pistachio, coconut, mango and chocolate yogurt piles. I savored each flavor. I enjoyed the mixtures of sweet, tangy and chocolatey goodness. I crunch the peanut butter cups and make them blend with the other flavors already in my mouth. And I taste them all. Enjoying each spoonful and flavor as they make my senses come alive. In this moment, I am happy.

Today this exercise in mindfulness has reminded me of how important it is to enjoy the many flavors of life, and to remember to appreciate them. And Today,  I am grateful, I got my "taste" back.

The Pianist: Music, Mindfulness and Compassion

A Lesson in Mindfulness:  Music and Compassion

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQk3Zh71dGA

In this scene in “The Pianist”, a German soldier finds Szpilman hiding in an abandoned house. In the far distance the sound of gunfire can be heard.  He asks him what he is doing there and what he does as an occupation.  When he finds out that he is a pianist, he brings him to a room with a piano, and orders him to play.  When he starts to play, the soldier is so overcome by the music, he has to sit.  He then watches in silent awe as he listens to the pianist playing Chopin.

This is my favorite part of the movie and it fills me with so much emotion.  I believe that music connects all of us.  It is a part of the life force we all share.  In that moment, there was no war.  The soldier was connected with the man behind the piano, and they were both sharing the present moment, which was all about the music; a peaceful, beautiful ballad by Chopin.  For that moment, that soldier was a part of something that was bigger than himself, more important than the war that was just right outside; something that reached down deep beneath his ego and awakened his spirit.  He was in the present moment, where nothing else was of any concern, and it had changed him. He became compassionate.  Amidst the chaos, he recognized beauty and compassion.

Mindfulness is a practice that can stop old patterns of thinking or judging situations or people.  It allows for a gap in thinking, in which thoughts are observed, but are not labeled.  It creates a space where time doesn’t matter and only what is happening in the present moment; within the body is all there is.  We all do this in the presence of beauty.  A sunset, a rainbow, clouds and the sound of beautiful music.  It awakens compassion and gratitude.  Instead of dwelling on the chaos that life situations create; or ruminating on the tragedies of the past or hopelessness of the future.  We should all take a moment to “be” in the moment.  Don’t think, don’t wonder, or plan or make judgements.  Listen to the music of life.  Life is nature, life is silence, life is the breath inside you.  Stop and listen.  Just “be.” 

No matter what challenges you are facing on your cancer journey, or whatever worries you may have about what may lie ahead, this is where you are right now.  This moment.  It is the only moment you can ever truly be in.  You’re not in the past where you were diagnosed and went through the treatments and side effects.  You’re not in the future where you envision yourself as being different than you are right now.  You are here.  And this is the only moment that really matters.  Don’t waste it in the delusion of time thinking.  Stop.  Breathe.  Practice gratitude, you are here, now. 

I am NOT my cancer.  Just BE.