A Matter of Taste

July 20, 2013

Ben and Jerry's peanut butter cup ice cream. It was all I could taste while I was on chemo. I couldn't drink tap or spring water; it had a metallic taste. I preferred purified water. I drank gallons of it and still couldn't quench my thirst or get that awful chemo taste out if my mouth. The ice cream cooled the sores in my mouth and throat and gave me the calories I needed, I suppose. 

When mom came to visit she made Sinigang full of spinach. She made Ox tail soup: the marrow was to help increase my blood count so I wouldn't end up in the hospital again. But after she left, it was always back to the ice cream. It was the easiest thing to get, and I didn't have the energy to make a meal. 

On this day I'm at yogurt land with my favorite girls. I put little peanut butter cups on top of my pistachio, coconut, mango and chocolate yogurt piles. I savored each flavor. I enjoyed the mixtures of sweet, tangy and chocolatey goodness. I crunch the peanut butter cups and make them blend with the other flavors already in my mouth. And I taste them all. Enjoying each spoonful and flavor as they make my senses come alive. In this moment, I am happy.

Today this exercise in mindfulness has reminded me of how important it is to enjoy the many flavors of life, and to remember to appreciate them. And Today,  I am grateful, I got my "taste" back.

August 10, 2008: Emergency Room

Just Out of the Hospital

Well, now I know why I was so fricken hot all those days....I was 101 degrees of pure hotness for real!  I had a fever and ended going to the ER.  Wow what an experience!

When I got there they took me right away.  My temp was 101.8 and they took blood tests stat.  I was very weak and shaking uncontrollably with the chills.  The fuckers wouldn't give me a blanket because they wanted the temp reading to be accurate.  When the tests came back and they were sure I had a fever, they let me warm up and put me on an IV.

3 times a day in the stomach

My white blood cell count was barely 1,000.  Normal WBC is 4,000-10,000.  What?  I was fine wasn't I?  I've been staying home, being a good girl.  Well, I did lose my appetite and wasn't eating right.  I was also running around doing errands....I just felt hot.  If I didn't get dizzy I wouldn't have gone to the ER.  Thank God I did.

I was admitted to the hospital that day and got a lovely, private, lakeview room.  It was private cuz I was put in isolation.  I was real vulnerable to infections and such so I had to be put in solitary to protect myself.  Everyone who came in had to be sterile and covered up.  It was very clean, even the air was pure.

Smiling cuz I have to

The first night was hell; fighting the chills, bone pain, the uncertainty of whether I was gonna live or die.  I felt like my soul was falling away from me.  I cried a lot.  I had to have injections in my stomach along with continuous antibiotics by IV.  My temp would keep spiking, the highest was 102.  Every night at 3am I would have my blood drawn.  Freaked me out every time!  Somehow, when I fell asleep, I always forgot I was in the hospital.  Then I'd wake up and remember.....oh yeah, I'm in hell.  But wait...it gets worse.

On my 3rd day in the hospital (Day 11 after my first chemo) I started to lose my hair.  Little strands started coming out when I ran my fingers through my hair.  Then on day 12, I was losing handfuls!  Nothing worse than losing your hair and not being able to get out of bed.  

Thank God I was released that day.  There was hair everywhere!!!!  Yikes.   And I still had a lot of hair left on my head.

I got home and cut it off!  I didn't do too bad.  I wasn't ready to go bald yet...don't think I would do it on purpose.  And yesss...I took a picture.  Who wants to see it?

Besides all that...whatever, it'll grow back.  I'm home now, in quarantine for a couple days, but feelin A-OK.  I'm alive.....and ready for my next chemo...on the 18th.  Or am I?   Dam......which wall should I climb first?