A Matter of Taste

July 20, 2013

Ben and Jerry's peanut butter cup ice cream. It was all I could taste while I was on chemo. I couldn't drink tap or spring water; it had a metallic taste. I preferred purified water. I drank gallons of it and still couldn't quench my thirst or get that awful chemo taste out if my mouth. The ice cream cooled the sores in my mouth and throat and gave me the calories I needed, I suppose. 

When mom came to visit she made Sinigang full of spinach. She made Ox tail soup: the marrow was to help increase my blood count so I wouldn't end up in the hospital again. But after she left, it was always back to the ice cream. It was the easiest thing to get, and I didn't have the energy to make a meal. 

On this day I'm at yogurt land with my favorite girls. I put little peanut butter cups on top of my pistachio, coconut, mango and chocolate yogurt piles. I savored each flavor. I enjoyed the mixtures of sweet, tangy and chocolatey goodness. I crunch the peanut butter cups and make them blend with the other flavors already in my mouth. And I taste them all. Enjoying each spoonful and flavor as they make my senses come alive. In this moment, I am happy.

Today this exercise in mindfulness has reminded me of how important it is to enjoy the many flavors of life, and to remember to appreciate them. And Today,  I am grateful, I got my "taste" back.

September 29, 2008: Last Round

Last Chemo Round!

Current mood:fermented

That last round of chemo laid me out.  Seriously I was in sooo much pain, my hips, my back, my legs....I had to roll out of bed, fall to the ground and frickin crawl to the bathroom!  No shit, that is the truth.  I got sick and threw up that very night and every night after.  I even threw up the pills that were supposed to keep me from throwing up!  I couldn't take my pain pills because they were upsetting my tummy and making me....throw up!  What a mess.  

Then I got a rash from the top of my bald ass coconut filipino head down to the soles of my monkey feet....owwy, itchy!  Bitch ass chemo!  It took me 2 weeks to rebound.

I started feeling better after Bob Marley visited me in a dream...or was it?  Anyways, I wasn't nauseous when I woke up so I was able to take my pills and get out of bed.... then the Chargers beat the Jets...and I felt like getting out of bed and going to work.  

I even got the energy to celebrate my friend Gary's birthday.  

Funny....everyone always say that it's too quiet when I'm not around.  Hmmm....interesting.  Well I didn't drink of course, I really didn't feel like it.  It was funny watching JR, he makes me laugh when he drinks.  They all do.  Hey wait...what?  

Anyways....now that I'm feeling better, I gotta get all pyched up to do this shit all over again.  The difference is.....this chemo cocktail...will be my last!

How do I feel....scared, nervous, hesitant....because I know it's gonna hurt like hell. I know I'm gonna get sick...I know my bones will hurt.  


 Each treatment seemed to get progressively worse and took me longer to recouperate so I'm anticipating this one's gonna be like the grand finale on the fourth of July.  


I can't even say tomorrow's the last day cuz I still gotta go in for the three consecutive days of shots in my tummy til it's all over......oh....dread...I'm eriously shaking right now thinking about it.   Whatever, I'm tough right.  Can tough girls cry though?  Cuz  I sooo want to be tough, but finding it hard to right now.

August 14, 2008: Is This Going to Work?

Cancer Sucks

Current mood:scared

My next chemo is on Monday and I'm nervous about it.  I went through so much with this first treatment, being in the hospital...quarantined and isolated from my friends and family, I just don't know how I'll do this time around.  I've already lost my appetite (and10 lbs), almost all of my hair, and most nights I can't even sleep........this is really hard. 

I think the worse part is that most of the time I feel fine, then the fatigue hits me and I have to stop and rest.  Just imagine checking the mail or even doing the dishes and all of a sudden you get dizzy and have to sit down and catch your breath.  Imagine not being able to stay awake or get out of bed.  It's so unpredictable.

I'm really not looking forward to getting that needle stuck in my arm and sitting there for 4 hours or whatever feeling the burn in my veins to my brain.  What if I get sick again and end up in the hospital?  I'm really scared this time. 

Anyways....I'm also wondering if this is going to work.  What if I go through all this and the cancer comes back?  I'm putting my body through so much ....is all this worth it?   Cancer sucks..

August 1, 2008: Chemo Cocktails

Chemo Cocktails

Current mood:nauseated

I really worked myself up for this whole chemo journey. I didn't know what to expect. Would it hurt? What would it feel like racing through my veins? Was I gonna throw up? Well, I made it through the first day, and it really wasn't that bad.

First of all, I had a great nurse. She was filipino...imagine that! A filipino nurse! She was so gentle. I hate needles and I was sure glad she was careful. I did cry when it went in, but just cuz I THOUGHT it was gonna hurt, not cuz it did. i was already woozy from the drug they gave me earlier to prevent allergic reactions, so when the IV started I was well on my way to happy town.

The first "cocktail" was pretty heavy duty. It was administered slowly at first to gauge my tolerance, but still took 3 hours to finish. Aside from the expected burning of the poison going into my veins there was also a weird icy feeling. As the cocktail was going in my body, I could really feel it hitting my brain and it made my body buzz all over. My heart felt like it skipped a couple times which set off the alarm, but I guess it was ok, I'm still here right? The last medication only took an hour. I was there for 4 hours!

I really didn't feel anything noticeably different that night, or the day after. I was real thirsty, I couldn't get enough water to quench me, I wasn't nauseous....I just felt weird. Like I was stoned or something. I just sat around and did sodoku. Then the earthquake...I thought I was gonna get sick from the rolling around...

Well here it is 4 days after my first chemo day and I am starting to notice a few things. Last night my legs were killing me. The pain in my bones kept me up the whole night. Another thing I've noticed is I can't taste anything. I guess this is when things will start getting weird huh? Now I'm also starting to feel a little nausea. Especially when I smell the neighbors cooking. Smells like dog.

check in on me to see how I'm doing.....I'll keep in touch! Gonna throw up now....

My son was my strength, he was with me for every chemo treatment