November 4, 2008: He Won't Even Look At Me

He won’t even look at me......

Current mood:sad

My mom and dad were with me in June when I had the consultation with my surgeon.  Being in the medical field, it was comforting to have them there asking the questions I wouldn't have thought of.  Although most of my dad's questions were about quadrants and other medicalese fancy-talk, he did impress my doctor.  She had to look through the file to answer most of his questions.  Then he asked about my other breast.  My doctor explained that since the mammo was ok, no other tests were ordered.  My dad ordered them.

I went to have an ultrasound where they found two more questionable masses.  I had two more biopsies and had to wait for the results.  My surgery was scheduled for that Tuesday and I didn't want to have to do it, only to find out I had to go back and have surgery on the other breast. I seriously wanted to postpone it til I got the results.  Well, luckily the tests came back negative and surgery went on as planned.

My dad is a dedicated doctor and a very hard worker.  I understood when he wasn't able to be there for my surgery.  My mom and kids were along with Gary, Susan and Darci, that's what mattered. I was not alone.  I understood when he was too busy to talk to me on the phone about my treatment options.  I understood why he couldn't call me when I was in the hospital because he was tired from working all day and playing with the baby.  But I don't understand why he won't look at me.....

The last time I stayed with my parents down south, I noticed how uncomfortable it was for my dad to look at me.  When I hugged him he did the "pat on the back" thing.  When I came down for breakfast I sat at the table and he got up and put his dish in the sink, claiming he was done.  When I went in the living room to watch the Charger game with him, he went upstairs.  When I went upstairs to sit with him, he went downstairs to the kitchen.  Why?

Today I called to tell him I was going to visit soon and he quickly handed the phone to my mom.  I asked my mom if I was ugly, because dad won't look at me, she just said...."You know how he is...." 

I don't know what to do.  He won't even look at me........

July 27, 2008: It All Starts Tomorrow

It All Starts Tomorrow

Well tomorrow I start chemo. I haven't really been able to sleep, I'm so obsessed with getting this all over with. Lately, I've started wondering if I was making the right choice. There are severe and sometimes permanent side effects. One of them was permanent nerve damage. Another was blindness and organ damage (liver, heart , kidneys..)..so, I obsess about these things too.

Everything has happened so fast. Every time I start to feel afraid, I try to remember how much I want to live. How much I want to beat this thing and live my life. There so much I want to do...I really need to be strong and just do this. But I am afraid. What if it doesn't work? I guess there are times when a person just has to take a leap of faith, right? it all starts tomorrow.

July 23, 2008: Sometimes I'm Not Ok

Sometimes I’m Not Ok

Sometimes I'm Not Ok

Sooner or later it all comes spilling out
Can't hold in the fears....
push down the tears..... stuff my soul with everything I need to hide away.....away
Stand tall
Breathe deep
Push it down
Smile
Show how strong I am....
I am for my family.....
for my friends.....
for my students.....for hope
I am strong but then, it gets to the point
It's quiet...
no ones watching, no one can hear me it hits me....
it's a heavy burden to bear
It breaks
It spills
let go the fears .. .let out the tears.. .free my soul... let it go
Sometimes I'm not okay.....I'm not okay, I'm not okay

Chemo starts Monday

The Day I Found Out I Had Cancer

It’s Cancer- June 10, 2008 The Day I found Out I Had Cancer

June 11, 2008

I finally had a dreaded mammogram a couple weeks ago and I'm very glad that I did.  After a week I was called back in to have an ultrasound done at which time my doctor decided to do a biopsy.  The following week was hell but nothing could have prepared me for what I was told yesterday in the doctor's office.

I have breast cancer.  It has started in a lobule in my left breast where it has nested and begun to spread.  I'm very lucky it was caught early and they are very positive about my recovery.  While my head spins with so many questions and regrets, I can't really recall anything else the doctor said after that.  Something about scheduling surgery, radiation...i don't know it all swirled around my head, not getting to my brain.

The first thing I did was break down and cry.  I called my family...whoa is me...then I cried some more.  I smoked a lot and decided to do a shot of jack.  To calm the nerves...really...so I could figure out what to do next.  What I decided to do was call a friend, go to the bar and watch the Laker game.  Yeah.  That'll get my mind off it for awhile.  And it did.  But I can't remember who won the game and I still don't know where to go from here.

Well, now that it has settled in a bit and have decided to find out more about this....I'm going to read the book they gave me and get my questions together for my surgical consult on Tuesday.  Back at work today my team rallied their support and now I have so many resources.  Now I feel a little more settled, at least in the knowing that others have made it, and I can too.  I just need to keep positive and keep strong.  This is going to be a long fight. 

Now...how do I tell the kids?

Fun times...before

Before diagnosis...ohhh my hair

Blogs From the Past: The Journey 1

Subject: Ok, I get it! I’ll use sunblock! 

Category: Life 

5/14/2008 

Mood: Impatient

I used to have the cutest little beauty mark on my tummy.  About the size of a ladybug, perfectly round.  It was during my last doctor's appointment that I noticed it was starting to look like a little heart.  I asked my doctor about it and after examining it, he referred me to a dermatologist.

It took me awhile to see this doctor, I started getting all kinds of images in my head about...what if its...uh...what I do?  I made myself sick thinking about it.  It got to the point that fire zombies were visiting me in my dreams trying to bite off my cute little heart shaped beauty mark.  I couldn't even talk about it.  Well, the doctor's office finally called me and scheduled the appointment.  Ok, I made the first step with a little help.

The doctor and I decided to remove the whole thing, ..ouch...the second step.  I have a bigger mark in its place, but that's okay.  The doctor asked me how much time I spend in the sun and if I used sunblock.  I never thought I had to use sunblock.  I'm in the sun all the time.  I'm at the beach, by the pool...I never think about it, really.  The doctor recommended an SPF of at least 50.  Wow!  50?  Well...ok, oh yeah, for sure...if thats what it takes to keep the fire zombies away I'll do it!  Even if it's cloudy!  Shit...even if it's nightime in the rain!

Well, I haven't gotten the results yet.  It hasn't even been a week.  But I'm definitely covering up!  An ounce of prevention right?  I'm feeling a little anxious, but then again, I'm always kinda anxious....I can't help it.  While I'm waiting for the results...I scheduled a mammogram.  Great...hope the zombies don't find out.  I don't want them anywhere near my mammoes