A New Normal

A New Normal

It’s been 4 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I was a single mother at the time, struggling with bills and supporting my son as he started college.  I was working three jobs and dealing with some other family issues.  It wasn’t the right time for me to get cancer.  But then again, there’s never a good time to get cancer.

After my surgery, chemo, radiation, I was placed on Tamoxifen every day and Zoladex injections every 3 months.  I lost my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes and my self-esteem was at its lowest.  I had a negative self-image; I battled insomnia, bone pain and depression for years following my diagnosis and treatments.  Looking back I can remember those challenges, the memory of that time is with me every day.  Once you get cancer, you never stop thinking about it.  It has become a driving force in my recovery and my transition into a new normal.

When I finished chemo and radiation, I was excited to get back to my old life. Well, what I considered normal, at the time.  But the truth is, you can’t.  What was  “normal” before, no longer exists.  It’s locked away in the past, along with the cancer. All the things you use to do before cancer shut you down, is gone.  You have to make better choices now and find a way to experience the life you have, at this very moment; and not reach back to try and start where you left off.  This is a new time for you.  One where you will learn more about yourself than you ever knew existed.  Because now you know how it felt to lose yourself and become a prisoner to the cancer.  You will soon learn to value your second chance at life.  Though you may feel like the same person on the inside.  You are not. You have to accept that in order to find the “you” you are, now, after the cancer. This is called, the new normal.

The new normal is what you decide it to be.  Starting to eat healthier, take vitamins, exercise and practice gratitude are some ways to begin your transition.  Your body has been poisoned, your muscles have begun to atrophy; it’s up to you to take back control of your own body.  Remember it takes 28 days for something to become a habit.  Why not make it one that will  improve your mind, body and soul?  Work on yourself from the inside out.  If you truly want to take your life back and start enjoying your second chance, you have to start with your body and mind. Remember, you are not the same person.  You are a new person.  Believe that, and you are ready to join me on my journey to find the new normal.

July 14, 2008: Scars

Scars

July 14, 2008

Current mood:worried

I had my surgery the first of this month. I guess that was the easy part of this new challenge in my life. Everything has happened so fast, my head still spins when I think about how little time has passed since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. June 10th...

I have a couple new scars to add to my heart shaped one: A crescent moon on one breast and an ugly 2 inch scar under my arm where they took out the lymph nodes. That one hurt the most. For the first few days after the surgery I was drugged up because it was hard for me to move around without being in pain. It was hard to breathe, I couldn't sit up. Thank God for my mom, she stayed to take care of me. And most importantly, fed me my pills.

Now it's 2 weeks since my surgery and my stitches are gone and I'm feeling a little more like myself, I know I still have chemo and radiation coming up, but knowing the cancer is out makes me feel a little lighter.

When I look in the mirror now, I still look like the same person, feel the same, but I can see the scars. When I see them, I remember the pain, I feel my fear return and my scars remind me....I have a long road ahead of me. I don't know what I can do to make this easier, I just know that I have to. And this will be very hard for me to do.

I see my oncologist next week...I'm gonna lose my hair!

June 18, 2008: Denial

cancer surgery
June 18, 2008
Current mood:worried

I'm having a bad day today.  I met my surgeon, we ran some more tests...we've decided to have the surgery in a couple weeks.  I'm scared.  I will have to have chemo along with radiation.....I've decide that I'm in the "denial" stage and really want to be a trainwreck right now...but I'm going to keep it together.  Please pray for me.

The Day I Found Out I Had Cancer

It’s Cancer- June 10, 2008 The Day I found Out I Had Cancer

June 11, 2008

I finally had a dreaded mammogram a couple weeks ago and I'm very glad that I did.  After a week I was called back in to have an ultrasound done at which time my doctor decided to do a biopsy.  The following week was hell but nothing could have prepared me for what I was told yesterday in the doctor's office.

I have breast cancer.  It has started in a lobule in my left breast where it has nested and begun to spread.  I'm very lucky it was caught early and they are very positive about my recovery.  While my head spins with so many questions and regrets, I can't really recall anything else the doctor said after that.  Something about scheduling surgery, radiation...i don't know it all swirled around my head, not getting to my brain.

The first thing I did was break down and cry.  I called my family...whoa is me...then I cried some more.  I smoked a lot and decided to do a shot of jack.  To calm the nerves...really...so I could figure out what to do next.  What I decided to do was call a friend, go to the bar and watch the Laker game.  Yeah.  That'll get my mind off it for awhile.  And it did.  But I can't remember who won the game and I still don't know where to go from here.

Well, now that it has settled in a bit and have decided to find out more about this....I'm going to read the book they gave me and get my questions together for my surgical consult on Tuesday.  Back at work today my team rallied their support and now I have so many resources.  Now I feel a little more settled, at least in the knowing that others have made it, and I can too.  I just need to keep positive and keep strong.  This is going to be a long fight. 

Now...how do I tell the kids?

Fun times...before

Before diagnosis...ohhh my hair