A New Normal

A New Normal

It’s been 4 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I was a single mother at the time, struggling with bills and supporting my son as he started college.  I was working three jobs and dealing with some other family issues.  It wasn’t the right time for me to get cancer.  But then again, there’s never a good time to get cancer.

After my surgery, chemo, radiation, I was placed on Tamoxifen every day and Zoladex injections every 3 months.  I lost my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes and my self-esteem was at its lowest.  I had a negative self-image; I battled insomnia, bone pain and depression for years following my diagnosis and treatments.  Looking back I can remember those challenges, the memory of that time is with me every day.  Once you get cancer, you never stop thinking about it.  It has become a driving force in my recovery and my transition into a new normal.

When I finished chemo and radiation, I was excited to get back to my old life. Well, what I considered normal, at the time.  But the truth is, you can’t.  What was  “normal” before, no longer exists.  It’s locked away in the past, along with the cancer. All the things you use to do before cancer shut you down, is gone.  You have to make better choices now and find a way to experience the life you have, at this very moment; and not reach back to try and start where you left off.  This is a new time for you.  One where you will learn more about yourself than you ever knew existed.  Because now you know how it felt to lose yourself and become a prisoner to the cancer.  You will soon learn to value your second chance at life.  Though you may feel like the same person on the inside.  You are not. You have to accept that in order to find the “you” you are, now, after the cancer. This is called, the new normal.

The new normal is what you decide it to be.  Starting to eat healthier, take vitamins, exercise and practice gratitude are some ways to begin your transition.  Your body has been poisoned, your muscles have begun to atrophy; it’s up to you to take back control of your own body.  Remember it takes 28 days for something to become a habit.  Why not make it one that will  improve your mind, body and soul?  Work on yourself from the inside out.  If you truly want to take your life back and start enjoying your second chance, you have to start with your body and mind. Remember, you are not the same person.  You are a new person.  Believe that, and you are ready to join me on my journey to find the new normal.

December 6, 2008: Crossing the Finish Line

End of Treatments

Current mood:accomplished

Crossing the Finish Line

One of my Doctors

This past Thursday, I finished my last day of treatment. The night before I kept checking my calendar making sure I got the date right.   I didn't want it to be like the time I thought it was Friday at work, only to find out at the end of the day it was only Thursday. (It was a rough week.) 

In this case, it's been a rough 6 months. But there I was, ready to cross the finish line.

Radiation was time consuming, taking up 3 hours of my day, every Monday through Friday for the past few months. Actually, it was 35 treatments plus 6 radiation boosts at the end. The treatment itself was only a few minutes long. It was the prep and the drive that took the longest. 

The ride, however, was made bearable only because I shared it with 14 other cancer patients. We all knew about surgery, chemo and rads. We shared the same concerns about our treatments and we all had radiation as the last part to cross on our way back to being healthy.

My Radiology Team

Saying goodbye to my radiation therapists was bittersweet. I was glad it was all over, but yet I wasn't going to see these people again, and this made me sad. They helped cure me. 

Leaving my support group behind was also hard for me. As soon as I came out of the doctor's office I was met by a round of applause from the waiting room patients. It really was like crossing that finish line. I could hear, "You did it! You did!" Most of them, I didn't even know. But all of them knew how tough this journey was.   I did it.

Me and Deb, this journey brought us closer as friends

 

Well, after treatment I went to meet my dear old friends to watch the Chargers beat the Raiders. I hadn't been to the old spot since I started chemo and it was very nice seeing everybody. It was like coming home and celebrating a victory. Actually…it was coming home….and it is a huge victory. My doctor actually showed up and a few drinks with us.

These friends were by my side from the beginning

Tonight will be a huge celebration for me.   I will be celebrating my birthday (belated) and my end of treatments.    This is really going to be a great night for me, I am so thankful for my friends and grateful for being done with everything.  I am thankful that I am here to share my story of survival.

Cheers to me

Thanksgiving 2008

Feeling Thankful and blessed.  I'm here.  I'm burned, I'm in pain.....but I'm here to enjoy my family and friends for another Thanksgiving!

November 2, 2008: What Do I do Now?

So....what now?

I finished chemo.  Yay!  Now I'm two weeks into radiation with only 4 weeks to go and......then what?

Right now I travel 45 minutes away every day for about 5 minutes of radiation. (That's every day- 5 days a week for six weeks total!)   It makes me tired, but not like chemo tired.  Chemo knocked my ass out.  Rads makes me feel sleepy tired and lazy, that I can deal with.  Still have to deal with the frequent bone pain, hot flashes, dizziness and nausea.  But what can I do?  Somedays I can barely make it out of bed.  Missed a lot of work.  Hope I won't get fired!

Friend on the Rad Squad

Radiation Room

For the past 5 months I've been scheduling my life around the cancer. I put my life on hold because I wasn't well enough to do the things I usually did.  It changed everything I was used to.  I can't work my three jobs and I miss all my friends so much!

Cancer changed the way I felt about life.  It took away the parts of me that made me feel feminine.  My long hair is gone, part of my breast.....and my perception of myself has changed too.  When I look at myself I can see the toll this illness has taken on my poor little body.  Then I think....fuck you cancer!  Look what you did!  Now I gotta get myself back, take it back from that hell.

Rad Squad Buddy

When I'm done with this shit I'll know it took me 6 months to fight it.  Six months of my life that I can never get back!  Six months!!!  My life will never be the same.  But....one thing's for sure, I'll be alive to enjoy what life has in store for me next.  I feel like since I beat this I might be kinda invincible....you know like how the guys in the elevator felt after taking a potion? (Big Trouble in Little China)

Well, whatever....I still got a ways to go.  But the weird thing about it is when this is over, when there are no treatments to go to, no appointments......what do I do?  Actually, I probably mean....what do I do first?  When every hour of my life for the past 6 months was about cancer and the treatments and the suffering...

What do I do first?

June 18, 2008: Denial

cancer surgery
June 18, 2008
Current mood:worried

I'm having a bad day today.  I met my surgeon, we ran some more tests...we've decided to have the surgery in a couple weeks.  I'm scared.  I will have to have chemo along with radiation.....I've decide that I'm in the "denial" stage and really want to be a trainwreck right now...but I'm going to keep it together.  Please pray for me.