November 2, 2008: What Do I do Now?

So....what now?

I finished chemo.  Yay!  Now I'm two weeks into radiation with only 4 weeks to go and......then what?

Right now I travel 45 minutes away every day for about 5 minutes of radiation. (That's every day- 5 days a week for six weeks total!)   It makes me tired, but not like chemo tired.  Chemo knocked my ass out.  Rads makes me feel sleepy tired and lazy, that I can deal with.  Still have to deal with the frequent bone pain, hot flashes, dizziness and nausea.  But what can I do?  Somedays I can barely make it out of bed.  Missed a lot of work.  Hope I won't get fired!

Friend on the Rad Squad

Radiation Room

For the past 5 months I've been scheduling my life around the cancer. I put my life on hold because I wasn't well enough to do the things I usually did.  It changed everything I was used to.  I can't work my three jobs and I miss all my friends so much!

Cancer changed the way I felt about life.  It took away the parts of me that made me feel feminine.  My long hair is gone, part of my breast.....and my perception of myself has changed too.  When I look at myself I can see the toll this illness has taken on my poor little body.  Then I think....fuck you cancer!  Look what you did!  Now I gotta get myself back, take it back from that hell.

Rad Squad Buddy

When I'm done with this shit I'll know it took me 6 months to fight it.  Six months of my life that I can never get back!  Six months!!!  My life will never be the same.  But....one thing's for sure, I'll be alive to enjoy what life has in store for me next.  I feel like since I beat this I might be kinda invincible....you know like how the guys in the elevator felt after taking a potion? (Big Trouble in Little China)

Well, whatever....I still got a ways to go.  But the weird thing about it is when this is over, when there are no treatments to go to, no appointments......what do I do?  Actually, I probably mean....what do I do first?  When every hour of my life for the past 6 months was about cancer and the treatments and the suffering...

What do I do first?