Heart, Mind Dialogue

What if

If.
What if.
Working hard to prepare for the day "what if" happens.
Looking into my heart, I have found that I neglected to share the love she holds.
Just holding it.
Keeping it safe.
Clinging to it.  Because, what if.....

Working hard to prepare for the day "what if" happens.
Looking into my mind I found schedules, appointments, budgets and bills.
Working hard.
Making money for the day "what if" happens.
Just holding it.
Saving it.
Clinging to it. Because, what if....

"What are you waiting for?" she says.
"Well, what if..." is the reply.
"That's crazy" she says.  "The 'what if' already happened.  You got cancer, and you already got through it remember?"

Heart looks at mind as tears melt from her eyes, holds her close, hugs her tightly and says, "I love you."

"You got this," replies the mind.


A heart, mind dialogue in which I visualized my heart and mind sitting together on a bench on the top of a hill looking over Malibu Canyon towards the ocean. From this dialogue I realized that I hold on to things for fear that I won't be prepared if the cancer comes back.  I hold on to love because I don't want to be abandoned "if" I become sick.  I worked hard to earn my 3rd degree, now I work several jobs.  I save my money because I don't want to be broke and destitute "if" I am too sick to work "if" I get sick again.  While I am busy preparing for this imagined "what if," I am missing out on the precious gift of life I was blessed to have a second chance to enjoy.

For now, I am at peace with an open heart and open mind ready to receive whatever the universe has in store for me.  Because I have come to realize, once again, I have survived a time in life everyone fears, living with cancer.  And yet, I am still here.  I made it through that time with the little money I had, with the help of my son by my side, the support of friends and the love and prayers of my family, every step of the way.  I did it.  I know I could do it again.  I've been there.  Now I'm here.  The "what if" already happened.  I GOT this.

Healing HeArt Retreat with The Foundation for Living Beauty, a sisterhood of cancer survivors at the Serra Retreat Center in Malibu, California, April 2014.

The Benefits of Yoga in Cancer Recovery

Last month I was invited to attend The Serenity Yoga Retreat in Santa Barbara.  The event was sponsored by The Foundation for Living Beauty, an organization that provides free services to help women living with cancer and cancer survivors address the stresses that extend beyond their medical diagnosis. Although I had been practicing yoga for many years, I learned that regular practice brings awareness into the body and can build back the strength and muscle tone that was lost during cancer treatments.

For over two years after surgery, finishing chemo, radiation and being only halfway done with the hormone blockers; I lacked the motivation and strength to restart my yoga practice.  I knew I needed to do something, I had no muscle tone and couldn’t even support myself in the plank position.  What helped me was my discovery of mindfulness meditation.  Through meditation I was able to change my pattern of thinking, “It’s going to be too hard,” “It’s going to hurt,” “The hot flashes will kill me”... And I signed up for a community class.  Being able to get through that encouraged me to move on to classes at yoga studios which helped me improve my asanas and body alignment.  Being more in tune with my body and able to flow with the breath, I gained the confidence to start and maintain my own home practice which I do, every day.

The Yoga instructor, Tari Prinster from Yoga4Cancer at the Yoga retreat, taught us other ways to increase the flow in our lymphatic system.  I knew yoga improved blood flow and helped stretch and strengthen muscles, but I was amazed that it could help fight cancer too.  Many of us survivors worry about recurrence.  Finding natural ways to fight this improves our outlook.  With gentle stretches, along with being mindful of the breath as it moves through the body and opens the chest, it felt as if life was filling the body and pushing out the toxins that were trapped inside: chemo, radiation, medicine...  Simply allowing the energy to flow and say, “Breathing in I am strong, breathing out, I let go” created a new feeling of lightness.

So, if you are recovering from cancer and need to get your body and mind in balance as well as be strong in your “new normal,” try yoga.  Start with a meditation practice to gain insight and awareness of your own thought patterns that block you from moving forward.  Learning mindfulness can connect you to your body and senses helping you to be aware of each breath and movement, clearing out the stress and thought patterns that don’t serve a purpose in the present moment.  For a great and simple home practice DVD I use an old one:  Vinyasa Flow Yoga by Jennifer Tipton.  Better get it now, only 5 left from $19.95.

Check it out:

Click here to order from Amazon.com

A Matter of Taste

July 20, 2013

Ben and Jerry's peanut butter cup ice cream. It was all I could taste while I was on chemo. I couldn't drink tap or spring water; it had a metallic taste. I preferred purified water. I drank gallons of it and still couldn't quench my thirst or get that awful chemo taste out if my mouth. The ice cream cooled the sores in my mouth and throat and gave me the calories I needed, I suppose. 

When mom came to visit she made Sinigang full of spinach. She made Ox tail soup: the marrow was to help increase my blood count so I wouldn't end up in the hospital again. But after she left, it was always back to the ice cream. It was the easiest thing to get, and I didn't have the energy to make a meal. 

On this day I'm at yogurt land with my favorite girls. I put little peanut butter cups on top of my pistachio, coconut, mango and chocolate yogurt piles. I savored each flavor. I enjoyed the mixtures of sweet, tangy and chocolatey goodness. I crunch the peanut butter cups and make them blend with the other flavors already in my mouth. And I taste them all. Enjoying each spoonful and flavor as they make my senses come alive. In this moment, I am happy.

Today this exercise in mindfulness has reminded me of how important it is to enjoy the many flavors of life, and to remember to appreciate them. And Today,  I am grateful, I got my "taste" back.

Hair Today, Gone Yesterday

7-18-13

Brushing my hair. I love the way it feels when the bristles touch my scalp. Running my fingers through the strands, feeling like silk threads. I'm grateful for my hair. How it feels on the back of my neck and on my shoulders.

I remember how it felt to lose it. How cold my head was and how ugly I felt. I remember the tears and how I avoided the mirror. I couldn't touch it. My fingers were numb from the chemo. Each day I lost more and more until it was all gone. I tried ice packs and put on a cap to try to stop it. But lost it all. Who was that person? 

One night I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and scared myself: bald head, sunken eyes, dark circles. Was it a zombie? Was it an intruder? No...it was me. I cried and cried. I lost myself. Who is that person?

But today,  I have hair. Beautiful soft hair that still makes me cry when I brush it. But only because  I remember that girl that lost her hair. She was so sad. Now when i look close I can still see her; there she is, looking right back at me. She is in my eyes. But now she's not afraid. Because she is me, now. 

Today, I am grateful for my hair.

The Pianist: Music, Mindfulness and Compassion

A Lesson in Mindfulness:  Music and Compassion

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQk3Zh71dGA

In this scene in “The Pianist”, a German soldier finds Szpilman hiding in an abandoned house. In the far distance the sound of gunfire can be heard.  He asks him what he is doing there and what he does as an occupation.  When he finds out that he is a pianist, he brings him to a room with a piano, and orders him to play.  When he starts to play, the soldier is so overcome by the music, he has to sit.  He then watches in silent awe as he listens to the pianist playing Chopin.

This is my favorite part of the movie and it fills me with so much emotion.  I believe that music connects all of us.  It is a part of the life force we all share.  In that moment, there was no war.  The soldier was connected with the man behind the piano, and they were both sharing the present moment, which was all about the music; a peaceful, beautiful ballad by Chopin.  For that moment, that soldier was a part of something that was bigger than himself, more important than the war that was just right outside; something that reached down deep beneath his ego and awakened his spirit.  He was in the present moment, where nothing else was of any concern, and it had changed him. He became compassionate.  Amidst the chaos, he recognized beauty and compassion.

Mindfulness is a practice that can stop old patterns of thinking or judging situations or people.  It allows for a gap in thinking, in which thoughts are observed, but are not labeled.  It creates a space where time doesn’t matter and only what is happening in the present moment; within the body is all there is.  We all do this in the presence of beauty.  A sunset, a rainbow, clouds and the sound of beautiful music.  It awakens compassion and gratitude.  Instead of dwelling on the chaos that life situations create; or ruminating on the tragedies of the past or hopelessness of the future.  We should all take a moment to “be” in the moment.  Don’t think, don’t wonder, or plan or make judgements.  Listen to the music of life.  Life is nature, life is silence, life is the breath inside you.  Stop and listen.  Just “be.” 

No matter what challenges you are facing on your cancer journey, or whatever worries you may have about what may lie ahead, this is where you are right now.  This moment.  It is the only moment you can ever truly be in.  You’re not in the past where you were diagnosed and went through the treatments and side effects.  You’re not in the future where you envision yourself as being different than you are right now.  You are here.  And this is the only moment that really matters.  Don’t waste it in the delusion of time thinking.  Stop.  Breathe.  Practice gratitude, you are here, now. 

I am NOT my cancer.  Just BE.

Another Year Around the Sun

Today is my 48th birthday.  I had to keep doing the math because I sure don’t feel like I’m that old.  When I look back at my life all I can remember doing was being a wife and a mom.  Right after high school I got married and started my family.  I didn’t have a career until after my kids were grown and I was separated after 14 years of marriage. All knew how to be was a mother.

Well, 2 years ago (2 years after my cancer diagnosis) my adult son moved out on his own.  He had finished college, had an excellent job and it was time for him to leave the nest.  To me, it was too early.  I had just finished my cancer treatments and was starting to feel more like myself; But still...it was too early, for me.  He was the baby, the last one at home.  I was single.  Who was I going to take of?  Who was going to take care of me?  If all I knew how to be was a mom, then what was I going to do with him gone?  I couldn’t hold him back, I knew I was in for a tough time.  I had to let him go, because it was the right thing to do.  Now all that I had left, was myself.  What did I like to do before I was a mom?  Well, that would be impossible to revisit since it definitely was more than 26 years!  So then the question had to be:  What do I want to do with my life...now?

When we face transition challenges, we struggle to find aspects of what we used to enjoy or how we used to be because it is our anchor.  It reminds us that even though this big change is happening, I’m still the same person on the inside.  So we begin by shedding the layers of who we’re not, and reach deeper into ourselves to find the person we were before (before being a mom, before having cancer) and because it’s familiar, that’s what we strive to become (again). It serves as a comfort for a person facing a transition in life.  When there is a change and the outcome is unknown, it can produce tremendous anxiety.  Some stay trapped, because if it’s all you knew how to be, what else is there?  What’s left of you when the kids are gone, or when the cancer is gone?  Well, it’s you that’s left.  Everything you had become was a result of growth.  Now, is just another time to grow.

Today I'm 48 and 4 years Cancer Free

Well, today’s my birthday, and I’m still cancer free and I still have an empty nest.  It’s been a series of adjustments, but I’m moving forward, learning and growing every day.  Someday’s are tougher, someday’s are bliss.  The way I look at it, as each day goes by, the farther I get away from the past.  The past is what I was, I am not that person anymore.  Everything changes, it’s inevitable.  Nothing ever stays the same, it’s just not possible.  Just move on, don’t look back, you’re not going that way.

A New Normal

A New Normal

It’s been 4 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I was a single mother at the time, struggling with bills and supporting my son as he started college.  I was working three jobs and dealing with some other family issues.  It wasn’t the right time for me to get cancer.  But then again, there’s never a good time to get cancer.

After my surgery, chemo, radiation, I was placed on Tamoxifen every day and Zoladex injections every 3 months.  I lost my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes and my self-esteem was at its lowest.  I had a negative self-image; I battled insomnia, bone pain and depression for years following my diagnosis and treatments.  Looking back I can remember those challenges, the memory of that time is with me every day.  Once you get cancer, you never stop thinking about it.  It has become a driving force in my recovery and my transition into a new normal.

When I finished chemo and radiation, I was excited to get back to my old life. Well, what I considered normal, at the time.  But the truth is, you can’t.  What was  “normal” before, no longer exists.  It’s locked away in the past, along with the cancer. All the things you use to do before cancer shut you down, is gone.  You have to make better choices now and find a way to experience the life you have, at this very moment; and not reach back to try and start where you left off.  This is a new time for you.  One where you will learn more about yourself than you ever knew existed.  Because now you know how it felt to lose yourself and become a prisoner to the cancer.  You will soon learn to value your second chance at life.  Though you may feel like the same person on the inside.  You are not. You have to accept that in order to find the “you” you are, now, after the cancer. This is called, the new normal.

The new normal is what you decide it to be.  Starting to eat healthier, take vitamins, exercise and practice gratitude are some ways to begin your transition.  Your body has been poisoned, your muscles have begun to atrophy; it’s up to you to take back control of your own body.  Remember it takes 28 days for something to become a habit.  Why not make it one that will  improve your mind, body and soul?  Work on yourself from the inside out.  If you truly want to take your life back and start enjoying your second chance, you have to start with your body and mind. Remember, you are not the same person.  You are a new person.  Believe that, and you are ready to join me on my journey to find the new normal.