Another Year Around the Sun

Today is my 48th birthday.  I had to keep doing the math because I sure don’t feel like I’m that old.  When I look back at my life all I can remember doing was being a wife and a mom.  Right after high school I got married and started my family.  I didn’t have a career until after my kids were grown and I was separated after 14 years of marriage. All knew how to be was a mother.

Well, 2 years ago (2 years after my cancer diagnosis) my adult son moved out on his own.  He had finished college, had an excellent job and it was time for him to leave the nest.  To me, it was too early.  I had just finished my cancer treatments and was starting to feel more like myself; But still...it was too early, for me.  He was the baby, the last one at home.  I was single.  Who was I going to take of?  Who was going to take care of me?  If all I knew how to be was a mom, then what was I going to do with him gone?  I couldn’t hold him back, I knew I was in for a tough time.  I had to let him go, because it was the right thing to do.  Now all that I had left, was myself.  What did I like to do before I was a mom?  Well, that would be impossible to revisit since it definitely was more than 26 years!  So then the question had to be:  What do I want to do with my life...now?

When we face transition challenges, we struggle to find aspects of what we used to enjoy or how we used to be because it is our anchor.  It reminds us that even though this big change is happening, I’m still the same person on the inside.  So we begin by shedding the layers of who we’re not, and reach deeper into ourselves to find the person we were before (before being a mom, before having cancer) and because it’s familiar, that’s what we strive to become (again). It serves as a comfort for a person facing a transition in life.  When there is a change and the outcome is unknown, it can produce tremendous anxiety.  Some stay trapped, because if it’s all you knew how to be, what else is there?  What’s left of you when the kids are gone, or when the cancer is gone?  Well, it’s you that’s left.  Everything you had become was a result of growth.  Now, is just another time to grow.

Today I'm 48 and 4 years Cancer Free

Well, today’s my birthday, and I’m still cancer free and I still have an empty nest.  It’s been a series of adjustments, but I’m moving forward, learning and growing every day.  Someday’s are tougher, someday’s are bliss.  The way I look at it, as each day goes by, the farther I get away from the past.  The past is what I was, I am not that person anymore.  Everything changes, it’s inevitable.  Nothing ever stays the same, it’s just not possible.  Just move on, don’t look back, you’re not going that way.

A New Normal

A New Normal

It’s been 4 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I was a single mother at the time, struggling with bills and supporting my son as he started college.  I was working three jobs and dealing with some other family issues.  It wasn’t the right time for me to get cancer.  But then again, there’s never a good time to get cancer.

After my surgery, chemo, radiation, I was placed on Tamoxifen every day and Zoladex injections every 3 months.  I lost my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes and my self-esteem was at its lowest.  I had a negative self-image; I battled insomnia, bone pain and depression for years following my diagnosis and treatments.  Looking back I can remember those challenges, the memory of that time is with me every day.  Once you get cancer, you never stop thinking about it.  It has become a driving force in my recovery and my transition into a new normal.

When I finished chemo and radiation, I was excited to get back to my old life. Well, what I considered normal, at the time.  But the truth is, you can’t.  What was  “normal” before, no longer exists.  It’s locked away in the past, along with the cancer. All the things you use to do before cancer shut you down, is gone.  You have to make better choices now and find a way to experience the life you have, at this very moment; and not reach back to try and start where you left off.  This is a new time for you.  One where you will learn more about yourself than you ever knew existed.  Because now you know how it felt to lose yourself and become a prisoner to the cancer.  You will soon learn to value your second chance at life.  Though you may feel like the same person on the inside.  You are not. You have to accept that in order to find the “you” you are, now, after the cancer. This is called, the new normal.

The new normal is what you decide it to be.  Starting to eat healthier, take vitamins, exercise and practice gratitude are some ways to begin your transition.  Your body has been poisoned, your muscles have begun to atrophy; it’s up to you to take back control of your own body.  Remember it takes 28 days for something to become a habit.  Why not make it one that will  improve your mind, body and soul?  Work on yourself from the inside out.  If you truly want to take your life back and start enjoying your second chance, you have to start with your body and mind. Remember, you are not the same person.  You are a new person.  Believe that, and you are ready to join me on my journey to find the new normal.