March 23, 2009: I Want My LIfe Back

I Want My LIfe Back

Current mood:restless

I don't remember the last time I got full nights sleep.  I'm on so much med's right now I don't know if I'm dreaming.  Seems like the only way I can get to sleep is if I pass out from drinking, that can't be healthy.  So I'll keep taking the pills.

The hot flashes, the nights I wakes up soaked in sweat like I had just taken a shower.  The leg pain in my bones!!  The pain is the worse.  Please make it stop!  I want to rest!!

The doctor says it's a side effect from the hormone blockers I have to take to prevent the cancer from coming back. It's called Tamoxifen.  I need to take it every day for 5 years!!!!   

I also get an implant every 30 days to shut my ovaries down.  That poison is called Zoladex and the fricken needle looks like an ice pick!  I take these for 2 years!!!!  That gives me cramps and migraines. 

 Last night I slept a couple hours.  But I'm sure my mind was still awake because I didn't feel rested at all.  I don't feel tired, nor do I feel awake.  What the hell?

I wish I was a bird so I could just go anywhere I wanted.  Away from this place.  Away and out of my body.  I'm so tired of all this crap.  Tired of looking at myself in the mirror.  Seeing that ugly face looking back at me!  Tired of this mess of a house.  I'm tired of being hottt!!!  I just want my life back.  I want to feel normal again.  I want to do what I used to do, and just not worry about shit.

Yeah, I know I'm sounding low.  I guess occassional depression is a side effect too.  I'll be okay....I got pill for that too.  I just want to be back to when I didn't have to take a whole bunch of med's and didn't have to worry if the cancer was coming back.

Ughh.  I just want to fly away...I want my life back

December 6, 2008: Crossing the Finish Line

End of Treatments

Current mood:accomplished

Crossing the Finish Line

One of my Doctors

This past Thursday, I finished my last day of treatment. The night before I kept checking my calendar making sure I got the date right.   I didn't want it to be like the time I thought it was Friday at work, only to find out at the end of the day it was only Thursday. (It was a rough week.) 

In this case, it's been a rough 6 months. But there I was, ready to cross the finish line.

Radiation was time consuming, taking up 3 hours of my day, every Monday through Friday for the past few months. Actually, it was 35 treatments plus 6 radiation boosts at the end. The treatment itself was only a few minutes long. It was the prep and the drive that took the longest. 

The ride, however, was made bearable only because I shared it with 14 other cancer patients. We all knew about surgery, chemo and rads. We shared the same concerns about our treatments and we all had radiation as the last part to cross on our way back to being healthy.

My Radiology Team

Saying goodbye to my radiation therapists was bittersweet. I was glad it was all over, but yet I wasn't going to see these people again, and this made me sad. They helped cure me. 

Leaving my support group behind was also hard for me. As soon as I came out of the doctor's office I was met by a round of applause from the waiting room patients. It really was like crossing that finish line. I could hear, "You did it! You did!" Most of them, I didn't even know. But all of them knew how tough this journey was.   I did it.

Me and Deb, this journey brought us closer as friends

 

Well, after treatment I went to meet my dear old friends to watch the Chargers beat the Raiders. I hadn't been to the old spot since I started chemo and it was very nice seeing everybody. It was like coming home and celebrating a victory. Actually…it was coming home….and it is a huge victory. My doctor actually showed up and a few drinks with us.

These friends were by my side from the beginning

Tonight will be a huge celebration for me.   I will be celebrating my birthday (belated) and my end of treatments.    This is really going to be a great night for me, I am so thankful for my friends and grateful for being done with everything.  I am thankful that I am here to share my story of survival.

Cheers to me