March 23, 2009: I Want My LIfe Back

I Want My LIfe Back

Current mood:restless

I don't remember the last time I got full nights sleep.  I'm on so much med's right now I don't know if I'm dreaming.  Seems like the only way I can get to sleep is if I pass out from drinking, that can't be healthy.  So I'll keep taking the pills.

The hot flashes, the nights I wakes up soaked in sweat like I had just taken a shower.  The leg pain in my bones!!  The pain is the worse.  Please make it stop!  I want to rest!!

The doctor says it's a side effect from the hormone blockers I have to take to prevent the cancer from coming back. It's called Tamoxifen.  I need to take it every day for 5 years!!!!   

I also get an implant every 30 days to shut my ovaries down.  That poison is called Zoladex and the fricken needle looks like an ice pick!  I take these for 2 years!!!!  That gives me cramps and migraines. 

 Last night I slept a couple hours.  But I'm sure my mind was still awake because I didn't feel rested at all.  I don't feel tired, nor do I feel awake.  What the hell?

I wish I was a bird so I could just go anywhere I wanted.  Away from this place.  Away and out of my body.  I'm so tired of all this crap.  Tired of looking at myself in the mirror.  Seeing that ugly face looking back at me!  Tired of this mess of a house.  I'm tired of being hottt!!!  I just want my life back.  I want to feel normal again.  I want to do what I used to do, and just not worry about shit.

Yeah, I know I'm sounding low.  I guess occassional depression is a side effect too.  I'll be okay....I got pill for that too.  I just want to be back to when I didn't have to take a whole bunch of med's and didn't have to worry if the cancer was coming back.

Ughh.  I just want to fly away...I want my life back